I often try to live by the credo, “don’t complain, construct” Of course I just made that credo up right now but it’s a nice little bit of wordplay.
So instead of bashing ABInBev, MillerCoors and the rest of the industrial gang for their insipid tasting water lagers, I am going to lay out how they get back into the game and stop their downward sales spiral.
1. Stop the actual beer talk in your commercials.
Stick with selling beer to guys with ridiculously hot girlfriends. Stick with humor. Hell, stick with drinkability. But stop the hop talk, don’t mention malt or even discuss the brewing process. All you are doing is confusing the people already mesmerized into buying your beer and seriously pissing off beer geeks who know better.
Case in point – Triple hop brewed. The clever person who thought that up should be demoted. Leaving aside technical discussions of how a lot of better beer is triple hop brewed, why even bring hops into it, let alone three times! Your beer tastes NOTHING of hops. My tap water has more hop flavor than your beer. You are a selling machine, what you are selling, in essence, doesn’t matter.
2. Brew local
Each of your mammoth, gargantuan plants should brew a local beer for the area. A beer that is available only in that area. Beer Geeks LOVE rarity. How about actually setting aside the notion that you have to make a billion bottles of your beer. West coast operations should do an IPA, maybe a wheat beer in the midwest, a saison in Florida. It will instill pride for each facility and could be expanded. Each branch could have a stable of local only beers.
It won’t bring back the craft beer fans who have long since abandoned you but you might slow the attrition rate amongst the disaffected and searching.
3. R&D
You have great equipment, state of the art computers, access to whatever ingredients you want, great brewers. And you have them all doing the same thing. Don’t get me wrong, to make a consistent beer all across the world is an impressive feat. But you are not getting the full talent and benefit of your staff. Cut them loose to do special brews for company functions or trade shows. Unshackle your full potential!
Somehow you all have mistaken colorful mountains or vortexes for innovation. It’s not. It’s packaging and each time you chase it you get a bump then a dip back down. It’s like crack to you people. Innovate with the product instead.
There you go! Salvation. Free of charge.
